A strange question, it might seem. Obviously, who’s in this relationship is you and your partner. But to what extent is it not only you and your partner, but the beliefs and expectations you each bring from your previous relationships (family and otherwise)?

Are you driving the relationship? Or is it your expectations of relationship, your beliefs about what relationship is or can be, the barriers you have built to protect yourself?

Perhaps in your family, “please and thank you” was strictly enforced. Now in your relationship, you expect your partner to ask you “nicely” when he wants something. You’re offended when he doesn’t. Resentment builds up. He, on the other hand, believes that “please” is too formal for the intimate relationship that you have. He resents that you don’t see that the two of you are too close for formalities like that. You may begin to see each other as disrespectful, when the truth is that you both value respect, but have different beliefs/expectations around how respect looks in an intimate relationship.

Tip - Break the Cycle of Resentment (It’s hard to be in a clear space with our partner when it’s filled with resentment)
Our unspoken and unconscious expectations can end up driving the relationship, creating cycles of resentment. Or, we become conscious of the expectations we are carrying and where they come from. We own them – claim them as coming from inside us, recognize they are our own laws, not universal truths - which takes openness and courage.  We share with our partner our beliefs and expectations (the world according to us - like, “saying please is a sign of respect”), creating understanding and depersonalizing the cycle. If you identify your different beliefs/expectations along with your shared values (e.g., respect), you can identify common ground and consciously negotiate agreements about how you want to interact.